i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
