I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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