I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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