Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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