tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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