I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
