I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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