positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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