I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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