when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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