A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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