Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
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They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
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i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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