What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
