you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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