i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
