I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
