On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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