i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
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There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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