Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Mom said you looked used
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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