i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
