I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Did I show you my penis last night?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
