Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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