There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
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do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
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Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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