you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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