You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
