you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
