I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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