Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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