I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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