I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Sorry my hands just texted you
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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