my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
