i can't believe i had my finger in that
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
