that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I understand Curling. That high.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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