Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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