i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
