I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
