I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
