Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
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new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
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I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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