Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
