So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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