I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
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