Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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