twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
