I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I feel like death gave me a hand job
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
