he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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