3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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