Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
