Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
