for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
