he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
