She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I supernannyed him into submission
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
