i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
