So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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