I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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