3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
